I went to some private school in Australia where people weren’t a traditional “fit” for other private schools and it was some of the most hyperpolarised shit you’ll ever see. Half the grade on reddit and 4chan and the other half on Tumblr.
It was beyond ridiculous. We had this weeb girl from an Italian family whose single mother called her a Japanese name and she would cosplay all the time despite looking heaps obese and would sing at school assemblies random anime theme songs and it would shock everyone.
Also apparently she used to beat up her younger brother she did anime sing along videos on her channel with. This was apparently because she wanted him to be gay and not straight.
Yeah she flipped a table in the middle of class cos a guy adopted from Korea to white parents made fun of her love of cats by referencing the kitten cannon flash game we used to all play and she would freak.
I love this post, it coincides directly with my view of current reality. Algorithmic feeds (both TikTok and Tinder) have been a disaster for the realm of love and I think both sides, men and women have created their own mythos to hide their disillusionment and heartbreak.
The only thing I find to fix it is a real return to reality, the « touch grass » phenomenon and cultivate networks of people. I think the best adjusted and healthier relationships I have seen come from meeting in real life and cultivating a social life based on reality.
My struggle is that while I achieved that when I moved abroad, it is very hard to do if you are in a small city where the demographics don’t fit or if you are an adult out of university. You can very easily fall into the Metro, Boulot, Dodo rythm of life.
I meant this is a beautiful piece hitting at the symptoms, which is a « moloch trap » of sorts between genders where they radicalize and alienate each other by following increasingly untethered ideologies.
But you dont really give any opinion on potential solutions, both on the individual and communal level.
Answering your question, yes kinda. Let’s say you are an average 25 yo man/woman who lives in a city with a few friends. What would be your solution or ideal praxis for those people?
I would suggest getting involved at a church, gym, run club and being more socially adventurous generally and not consuming inflammatory dating "content". Depends where you live, how old you are, your prospects etc.
Considered and intentional use of dating apps is very effective and unfortunately when it comes to dating, it can't be done in a vacuum and so sometimes the web becomes a necessary evil. I met my husband through the internet (over our mutual dissident sensibilities) and our paths would have never crossed in the wild. I have many friends who have met amazing partners through the use of apps but there's definitely an element of luck. I have so much to say on this topic haha, so if you want to talk more specifically, DM me :)
Those are nice answers but I would caveat it as it follows. Your description of dating hellscape for Gen-Z is not only applicable to the US (or Canada which is very close culturally) but applies to all of western Europe too. I am personally living in France where the dating hellscape is the same as you described but the typical solutions of church (non existent if you wanna meet anyone under 70), gym and such don’t work beyond Tier 1/2 cities (Paris or regional capitals). And if you live in a rural area you either met your spouse in school or you are gonna be single for a long time.
All the solutions you have given and the other commenter too seem to be on an individual position and not really on a systemic one. You can talk to girls on the gym but tiktok is full of videos of women on gyms where talking to them is tantamount to harrassment which like it or not seeps into the minds of the women watching those.
I will be sending you a DM as I am interested on your ideas ^^
I have 3 grown children, all married and have children. My daughter is the youngest--she's 23, and her second child is on the way. She's also a graduate of an elite college. I took an active role in helping my children find their mates--not arranging anything, but coaching, encouraging, and praying for them. I wonder if I'm an exception, or typical.
You did the right thing. One of the problems these days is the absence of any social support for finding a mate. People are expected to find and market themselves to a potential spouse, but many good people are not suited to it and fail.
I look up at Boomers and am jealous of their long career arcs and amassed wealth, but look down at Gen Z and feel highly privileged to have had a richer social and sexual life.
The biggest of aspect of the gender wars that I never hear about is the descent into extreme selfishness. This entire philosophical dispute brings the question of - “who am I” to the forefront and largely deprioritizes everything else.
And, while this is fine at a personal level, people have always had to find themselves and to determine their own joy and interests, its very unfair and possibly even delusional when a person goes beyond themselves.
The thing with gender ideology is that it forces the people around an individual to undergo this same process of discovery and checking and approval. Obviously, many have very strong opinions about gender vs sex and what their reality is and how that integrates with other’s reality, but this isn’t really about love or intimacy or connection at all. It’s much more a game of self approval - where a person who’s prioritizing these areas is constantly checking with themselves to see if they’re being true to themselves and if those around them are being true to this kind of created version of themselves that they’ve created from their ideas and other’s ideas they think they agree with.
Needlessly to say - this process will never end and by focusing SO much on their own permissions and trying to define every edge of their personality, they will be impossible to love, and they definitely will struggle to love others.
I just think it’s very sad, because I think anyone would agree that love comes from a closer connection, and in understanding what their partner needs and wants, but the younger generations have completely lost their way and have far too many options to realistically ever be confident in their choices.
My only advice, as a someone who loves sex and has gone off the deep end into research, is to focus as little on yourself as possible. Sure, know what you like and who you like and what you don’t like, but don’t force people to conform to your world before you ever even begin a conversation. Everyone just wants to feel safe and appreciated.
This is just people not wanting to change, and as usual on the internet, everything is exacerbated by the mental illness that seems to be magnetically drawn by online environments. If everyone would realize the truth - we're imperfect, particularly on our own, and need to change...which is the whole point of relationships, the world would be a better place.
Unfortunately, people only realize they need to change when there is a confluence of realization and consequences. That is a different place for everyone. But having some experience with dating in this environment, you see people repeating the same stuff over and over again and expecting a different result. There's a definition for that.
Frankly, I don't care anymore. I saw all this coming years ago. I've sort taken this perspective that this will pass when confronted with logic IRL. Having discourse with women about gender bias troubles leads to two outcomes with (usually) "well that's your opinion, I know my experiences and know your wrong." Or "Wow that's something I didn't think about." Said from either side, Male or female.
We need to freaking HUMMANIZE EACHOTHER DAMMIT!! UNDERSTAND THE STRUGGLES PEOPLE.
Lot of good points. Best summation of current dating culture. The point about the awkwardness of human beings in the physical world resonated with me a good bit. I had a lot of weird expectations when I was dating my wife that were removed from me by just being in the world God created with her as an awkward, trying-to-figure-it-out couple. At the heart of the issue, I would say for both genders, is the lack of Christ in relationships and in turn the lack of forgiveness. Great article!
This essay is a breath of fresh air. As a young man, it's so easy to slip into that cesspit of embittered men who I see as the equal and opposite reaction to the man-hating "girlboss" saturating social media.
It's getting uglier by the day, and it seems like this divide is only getting worse. There's so much hate for each other over what are ultimately shallow generalizations and not reflective of truth.
The way marriage and divorce are depicted in popular culture and are to some extent weaponized in real life also contribute to this rift.
I am a sensible super highly qualified individual who was looking for a reasonable person to settle down with. Dating using apps was an absolute nightmare for me. A lot of it came down to extremely shallow things like appearances and working on yourself. I work fairly hard because I love my work, no fucking way I have 1 hour to go to gym everyday, hang out at the bars for hours, and go to movies. My melanin content doesn’t help either.
I said fuck it and got an Arranged Marriage (from India). Super happy with it.
While it's neither conservative or Christian developed societies are likely going to have to find a societal alternative to monogamous marriage however painful. At some point the sexual autonomy and awareness of status and social strategy is too much and everybody just wants to become like a Hollywood celebrity with two year marriages, bastard children and rampant infidelities or (if they can't) hold out in asceticism.
Whilst I agree that SM echo chambers don't help, there are some fundamental cultural shifts that are happening. Women no longer NEED men, in the sense of financial provision, as technology, economics and feminism have allowed women to earn their own living, open their own bank accounts and get a mortgage, without the agreement of a man. Women can now enter all levels of education and, quite frankly, are significantly out performing the boys.
Women have expanded their understanding of what it means to live as a human, beyond patriarchal constraints, unfortunately men haven't done the same.
Women now want a life partner who enhances her life, not one she has to care for. Women are fed up of having to do most of the domestic labour and child care, on top of full time work.
Men need to grow up, learn to identify, process and healthily express their emotions. We need to learn to be equal life partners in every aspect of life, including emotional labour, domestic labour and family caring responsibilities. Men need to learn to to respect women's bodily autonomy (stopping sexual harassment, abuse and rape) and work for equal sexual pleasure with their partner.
These are all cultural shifts that have happened in the last 50 years or so and we men are lagging behind.
great post! I think you also really highlighted how these awful, misogynistic/misandrist behaviours can create self-fulfilling cycles and just worsen the problem.
As someone who is queer, seeing this gender “war” mostly from the sidelines makes me quite concerned for how heterosexual dating and how to prevent it from spreading to non-heterosexual dating. I think having a shared identity definitely helps out, but it’ll be something to watch out for.
Well written and concise. If I had another chapter I would include the political polarisation which concerns me the most.
Oof great point. That one may have to be a piece all of its own.
I look forward to it, Lantern. One of these days I’m going to stop writing notes and commenting, until I’ve done some work on my posts…
Hmm yes exact same here
I went to some private school in Australia where people weren’t a traditional “fit” for other private schools and it was some of the most hyperpolarised shit you’ll ever see. Half the grade on reddit and 4chan and the other half on Tumblr.
😂 That must have been hilarious
It was beyond ridiculous. We had this weeb girl from an Italian family whose single mother called her a Japanese name and she would cosplay all the time despite looking heaps obese and would sing at school assemblies random anime theme songs and it would shock everyone.
That’s incredible.
You’ve gotta have other stories, yeah?
Also apparently she used to beat up her younger brother she did anime sing along videos on her channel with. This was apparently because she wanted him to be gay and not straight.
Yeah she flipped a table in the middle of class cos a guy adopted from Korea to white parents made fun of her love of cats by referencing the kitten cannon flash game we used to all play and she would freak.
Parents enabling bad behavior is a perpetual issue in society.
I did not think that the mess of the dating world rn could be summarised so well.
I love this post, it coincides directly with my view of current reality. Algorithmic feeds (both TikTok and Tinder) have been a disaster for the realm of love and I think both sides, men and women have created their own mythos to hide their disillusionment and heartbreak.
The only thing I find to fix it is a real return to reality, the « touch grass » phenomenon and cultivate networks of people. I think the best adjusted and healthier relationships I have seen come from meeting in real life and cultivating a social life based on reality.
My struggle is that while I achieved that when I moved abroad, it is very hard to do if you are in a small city where the demographics don’t fit or if you are an adult out of university. You can very easily fall into the Metro, Boulot, Dodo rythm of life.
Any opinions in how to combat this?
Hi! Thank you for the thoughtful comment.
Are you asking how you could meet more potential romantic partners IRL?
Hi, thank you for your comment.
I meant this is a beautiful piece hitting at the symptoms, which is a « moloch trap » of sorts between genders where they radicalize and alienate each other by following increasingly untethered ideologies.
But you dont really give any opinion on potential solutions, both on the individual and communal level.
Answering your question, yes kinda. Let’s say you are an average 25 yo man/woman who lives in a city with a few friends. What would be your solution or ideal praxis for those people?
I would suggest getting involved at a church, gym, run club and being more socially adventurous generally and not consuming inflammatory dating "content". Depends where you live, how old you are, your prospects etc.
Considered and intentional use of dating apps is very effective and unfortunately when it comes to dating, it can't be done in a vacuum and so sometimes the web becomes a necessary evil. I met my husband through the internet (over our mutual dissident sensibilities) and our paths would have never crossed in the wild. I have many friends who have met amazing partners through the use of apps but there's definitely an element of luck. I have so much to say on this topic haha, so if you want to talk more specifically, DM me :)
Those are nice answers but I would caveat it as it follows. Your description of dating hellscape for Gen-Z is not only applicable to the US (or Canada which is very close culturally) but applies to all of western Europe too. I am personally living in France where the dating hellscape is the same as you described but the typical solutions of church (non existent if you wanna meet anyone under 70), gym and such don’t work beyond Tier 1/2 cities (Paris or regional capitals). And if you live in a rural area you either met your spouse in school or you are gonna be single for a long time.
All the solutions you have given and the other commenter too seem to be on an individual position and not really on a systemic one. You can talk to girls on the gym but tiktok is full of videos of women on gyms where talking to them is tantamount to harrassment which like it or not seeps into the minds of the women watching those.
I will be sending you a DM as I am interested on your ideas ^^
Moving from the countryside to the city is a venerable tradition. It's okay and often necessary to move.
Do Meetup groups. Book groups, movie groups, cooking clubs etc.
I have 3 grown children, all married and have children. My daughter is the youngest--she's 23, and her second child is on the way. She's also a graduate of an elite college. I took an active role in helping my children find their mates--not arranging anything, but coaching, encouraging, and praying for them. I wonder if I'm an exception, or typical.
You did the right thing. One of the problems these days is the absence of any social support for finding a mate. People are expected to find and market themselves to a potential spouse, but many good people are not suited to it and fail.
I look up at Boomers and am jealous of their long career arcs and amassed wealth, but look down at Gen Z and feel highly privileged to have had a richer social and sexual life.
The biggest of aspect of the gender wars that I never hear about is the descent into extreme selfishness. This entire philosophical dispute brings the question of - “who am I” to the forefront and largely deprioritizes everything else.
And, while this is fine at a personal level, people have always had to find themselves and to determine their own joy and interests, its very unfair and possibly even delusional when a person goes beyond themselves.
The thing with gender ideology is that it forces the people around an individual to undergo this same process of discovery and checking and approval. Obviously, many have very strong opinions about gender vs sex and what their reality is and how that integrates with other’s reality, but this isn’t really about love or intimacy or connection at all. It’s much more a game of self approval - where a person who’s prioritizing these areas is constantly checking with themselves to see if they’re being true to themselves and if those around them are being true to this kind of created version of themselves that they’ve created from their ideas and other’s ideas they think they agree with.
Needlessly to say - this process will never end and by focusing SO much on their own permissions and trying to define every edge of their personality, they will be impossible to love, and they definitely will struggle to love others.
I just think it’s very sad, because I think anyone would agree that love comes from a closer connection, and in understanding what their partner needs and wants, but the younger generations have completely lost their way and have far too many options to realistically ever be confident in their choices.
My only advice, as a someone who loves sex and has gone off the deep end into research, is to focus as little on yourself as possible. Sure, know what you like and who you like and what you don’t like, but don’t force people to conform to your world before you ever even begin a conversation. Everyone just wants to feel safe and appreciated.
This is just people not wanting to change, and as usual on the internet, everything is exacerbated by the mental illness that seems to be magnetically drawn by online environments. If everyone would realize the truth - we're imperfect, particularly on our own, and need to change...which is the whole point of relationships, the world would be a better place.
Unfortunately, people only realize they need to change when there is a confluence of realization and consequences. That is a different place for everyone. But having some experience with dating in this environment, you see people repeating the same stuff over and over again and expecting a different result. There's a definition for that.
I think I almost got successfully PsyOpped by online content from false prophets.
Great article.
Frankly, I don't care anymore. I saw all this coming years ago. I've sort taken this perspective that this will pass when confronted with logic IRL. Having discourse with women about gender bias troubles leads to two outcomes with (usually) "well that's your opinion, I know my experiences and know your wrong." Or "Wow that's something I didn't think about." Said from either side, Male or female.
We need to freaking HUMMANIZE EACHOTHER DAMMIT!! UNDERSTAND THE STRUGGLES PEOPLE.
Lot of good points. Best summation of current dating culture. The point about the awkwardness of human beings in the physical world resonated with me a good bit. I had a lot of weird expectations when I was dating my wife that were removed from me by just being in the world God created with her as an awkward, trying-to-figure-it-out couple. At the heart of the issue, I would say for both genders, is the lack of Christ in relationships and in turn the lack of forgiveness. Great article!
This essay is a breath of fresh air. As a young man, it's so easy to slip into that cesspit of embittered men who I see as the equal and opposite reaction to the man-hating "girlboss" saturating social media.
It's getting uglier by the day, and it seems like this divide is only getting worse. There's so much hate for each other over what are ultimately shallow generalizations and not reflective of truth.
Subbed. Looking forward to my next read.
The way marriage and divorce are depicted in popular culture and are to some extent weaponized in real life also contribute to this rift.
I am a sensible super highly qualified individual who was looking for a reasonable person to settle down with. Dating using apps was an absolute nightmare for me. A lot of it came down to extremely shallow things like appearances and working on yourself. I work fairly hard because I love my work, no fucking way I have 1 hour to go to gym everyday, hang out at the bars for hours, and go to movies. My melanin content doesn’t help either.
I said fuck it and got an Arranged Marriage (from India). Super happy with it.
While it's neither conservative or Christian developed societies are likely going to have to find a societal alternative to monogamous marriage however painful. At some point the sexual autonomy and awareness of status and social strategy is too much and everybody just wants to become like a Hollywood celebrity with two year marriages, bastard children and rampant infidelities or (if they can't) hold out in asceticism.
Whilst I agree that SM echo chambers don't help, there are some fundamental cultural shifts that are happening. Women no longer NEED men, in the sense of financial provision, as technology, economics and feminism have allowed women to earn their own living, open their own bank accounts and get a mortgage, without the agreement of a man. Women can now enter all levels of education and, quite frankly, are significantly out performing the boys.
Women have expanded their understanding of what it means to live as a human, beyond patriarchal constraints, unfortunately men haven't done the same.
Women now want a life partner who enhances her life, not one she has to care for. Women are fed up of having to do most of the domestic labour and child care, on top of full time work.
Men need to grow up, learn to identify, process and healthily express their emotions. We need to learn to be equal life partners in every aspect of life, including emotional labour, domestic labour and family caring responsibilities. Men need to learn to to respect women's bodily autonomy (stopping sexual harassment, abuse and rape) and work for equal sexual pleasure with their partner.
These are all cultural shifts that have happened in the last 50 years or so and we men are lagging behind.
This is pretty pathetic, John.
Care to expand on that at all, like which parts of what I said are wrong or "pathetic"?
Not really, but I'd start at all of it.
great post! I think you also really highlighted how these awful, misogynistic/misandrist behaviours can create self-fulfilling cycles and just worsen the problem.
As someone who is queer, seeing this gender “war” mostly from the sidelines makes me quite concerned for how heterosexual dating and how to prevent it from spreading to non-heterosexual dating. I think having a shared identity definitely helps out, but it’ll be something to watch out for.
Absolutely adore the artwork on this and it had a real effect so I shared on insta